Cool Parent vs Responsible Parent

Cool Parent vs Responsible Parent

If you pick up the one end of the stick, you pick up the other end (S Covey)

One of the most valuable lessons to teach our children is that they are responsible for their actions. They must be aware that there is cause and effect to the decisions they take and the behavior they express.

COOL PARENT VS RESPONSIBLE PARENT

Cool parents can be responsible parents! There is no need for tension between these two parental expectations. The problem arises when we bend the rules to be accepted by our teens. The role of a responsible parent is to help our children, particularly teens, to predict the outcomes of their behavior with the intention to foster responsible decision making. Teens should be allowed to take risks within boundaries, based on their ability to mitigate any potential fallout.
So, upfront consideration of their actions; changing of plans as they go along and ownership of the consequences of their actions, ensure that they fully grasp the idea of responsibility.


                                                “Teens are adults with training wheels”

 BUILD YOUR RELATIONSHIP ON TRUST AND RESPECT THROUGH ACCOUNTABILITY

Teens need responsible parents that are consistent in their expectations. It gives them as sense of security that we are their “safe haven” and that we “have their back”. They learn to accept our rules when we are consistent in our expectations. When the expectation is clear they learn to know that there is something asked of them. An expectation of responsible action. When their behavior becomes associated with consequence they begin to learn how to be responsible in their actions.

The pitfall of being a cool parent is that we are expected to adapt to every situation in order to secure our relationship with our child. They are aware that we want to maintain our popularity and will give in to their every whim.  

Help them, teach them, grow them…

YET Parenting is allowing yourself to grow with your teen by learning to guide them through their teenage years. Share in their experiences and understand their view of the world. It is helpful to reflect on your own journey in relation to theirs. Help them to understand that they are yet to realize their own way in managing responsible behaviors. Help them, teach them, grow them…but don’t give in to things you might, in your heart, feel is wrong, simply because you want to be cool in their eyes.

DON’T FEAR THE WORD “NO”

There is a clear distinction between being a friend and being a parent. Teens question our decisions if they perceive us to be their friend. We are place on an equal footing as their “bestie”. This allows them to question our authority over their decisions. I start with NO when I am uncertain about giving permission for anything I am not completely convinced is right for my teen. I know that I can change my mind later when all the facts are clear. Saying no buys me time to fully consider my options and the consequences, whereas saying yes and changing my mind later, creates unnecessary conflict.

Cool parents find it difficult to say NO whereas responsible parents know that they are guided by their child’s best interest.

Say NO if you realize that the boundaries are being tested. When you don’t approve of what they wear, do and say, say NO.

Say YES when you know your child can be responsible in their behavior. This is where consistency in expectation is important since your child should be expected to behave according to your family values.

YET Parenting allows your teen to discover their own identity within clear boundaries set by responsible parenting. 

Happy parenting!

Dr O

Open Effective Communication

Open Effective Communication

 

The power of bottom-up

The first key element in the Yet Parenting tool kit is “open effective communication”. Top-down approaches to parenting are popular while the bottom up influence is often overlooked. Open Effective Communication with children is a key factor since it positively influences the quality of relationships within the family. The second is the “how to” of positive communication. 

 

The quality of the communication process is important. Positive communication with your child requires your presence in body, mind and spirit. Children from a young age are well attuned to our level of engagement. Be mindful of how your child perceives your level of interest. Your cue is when your child says: “you are not looking at me”.  Show interest with: a gentle touch, hug, connecting glances, hand gestures and encouraging sounds during communication. It leads to positive responses by affirming our engagement, even in what seems trivial matters. Try to be mindful of the fact that a crisis however small is still a crisis to your child.

 

To small people small things can be big things

 

We need to remind ourselves to really listen. Get rid of the blue screen distractions: television, phone and iPad when listening to your child. Setting time aside for your child to have your full attention will be beneficial in future when you require their audience. You behaviour is what they will ultimately mirror. You cue is when they ask: “Have you hear what I said?”

 

So, open and positive effective communication reinforce family relationships. The quality of that communication is important. Next, let’s look at the quantity of information when communication with children. How does one decide what to share and when? Open and effective communication is fostered by responding at your child’s level. Work on a need to know basis and allow them to ask the questions as they grow. Oversharing can lead to confusion and uncertainty. Social media does enough of that. Using words and examples that they can relate to is helpful. Your cue is when they say: “You are not making any sense” or “I don’t get it.”

 

The greatest challenge to effective communication is when we have to do it under high emotional strain and during conflict.

 

Dealing with conflict:

Conflict appears the instant your child is able to reason. They want to know why, how and what is in it for them. This is when our creative flair has to come into play. Express your reasoning with the purpose of their buy in. Regardless of how frustrated you may be remain polite. Expressing your anger is counterproductive since they may dance to your tune because they are frightened NOT convinced. Alternatively, they may launch into a tantrum to get your attention. Children are well adapt to defusing our anger from an early age and ultimately your child wants to please you. Stay focused on the cause of the conflict and deal with only that situation. Do not be distracted or reach for past issues that can exacerbate the situation. Bargain and use “I” messages. Your goal is to negotiate a solution. A conflict ideally should end with your forgiveness. Make that your goal. Your cue is when they ask: “Are we ok?”

 

What to look out for:

Avoid using sarcasm. As adults, we can read between the lines whereas kids take everything literary. Negative communication is habitual with the potential risk of being an over critical parent. Yet Parenting is moving away from being over critical toward being realistically optimistic.  Focusing on what really matters now. Dwelling on the past takes away the possibility of yet!

Tune into where your child is at. Try to understand what IS happening with their relationships beyond you. Whether you are engaging in conflict or helping you child navigate their own challenges try to talk them through the conflict instead of simply telling them how to solve the problem. In this way you are constructing a foundation of resources that they can apply in future. One of the tools of Yet Parenting is “focusing on the next” How to deal with a similar situation in future? Allow them to work through it with your guidance. Your cue is: “I am ready to face tomorrow”.

 

Remember we are not there yet!

Happy Parenting.

Meet Doctor O

I am married to the love of my life Martha and am blessed with two beautiful children, Carl(19) and Courtney Ann (16). My family is my source of inspiration. My professional career in Education spans over 25 years and the journey continues.

The Road to Doctor O

I began my road in Education with a Higher Diploma in Education at Rand College of Education. Next an undergraduate Bachelor of Arts (Education) at UJ (former Rand Afrikaans University). Followed by a Honours in Education Management. Then I pursued a Magister Educationis (MEd) graduating Cum Laude from a University granted scholarship. Finally, I reached my lifelong goal with a Doctorate in Education Psychology specialising in Psycho-Educational Programme Development. 

My life came full circle when I returned to my primary school as a teacher more than two decades ago. I was “living my dream” doing what I loved and giving back to the community that laid the foundation of my life. Next I moved onto the Independent School sector. Followed by a move into the Private School sector where I am currently based. My career was set off by a combination of charitable and merit contributions and therefore I continue to serve on various Boards and Charity organisations. 

Dr O the Dad

Parenting two independent young adults has changed my perspective. I realised that children are adults in training. They are actively engaged in constructing individual identities and personality. My children taught me that at times they should be allowed to make their own decisions and even fail. It is an opportunity to grow regardless and it is how they learn to take responsibility. The real challenge for a parent is the “when” factor. When to make a decision on behalf of our children and when to hold back and allow them to decide. This is the purpose of this blog. To share with parents my experiences as a parent and also as an educator navigation the education matrix. 

*Michael Grose: - Raising 21st Century Kids

Helping children makes smart decisions, distinguishes three areas of decision-making for parents and children: 

• Parents Rule: non-negotiable decisions . E.g. going to school, bedtime.
• Collaboration: parent and child negotiate outcomes. E.g. when to come home from an outing, TV programs, and
• Kids Rule: giving your children full authority in some areas. E.g. choose the sport they play, school activities.

These guidelines should reflect your family values and be age appropriate. 

My philosophy

Parents and children are constantly learning and growing. We are not there yet! YET Parenting focuses on self-actualisation. Hopefully, we will allow ourselves to grow with our children, allowing them to develop their own personalities in a loving nurturing environment. Self-actualization is: “the achievement of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world.” This term is used by Abraham Maslow in: “A Theory of Human Motivation” defined as "the desire for self-fulfilment, [and] tendency for the individual to become actualized in what he is potentially capable of achieving. The YET factor!

This Blog will be an inspiration to parents who are open to learning and growing with their children. Parents who are willing to accept their children for who they are and parents who are brave enough to measure each child against their own ability. 

Happy parenting!

Dr.O