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Friday 19 February 2016
Sunday 14 February 2016
CHILDREN USE THEIR EMOTIONS TO ACHIEVE GOALS
CHILDREN USE THEIR EMOTIONS TO ACHIEVE GOALS
Children use their emotions to achieve one or more of the four goals – attention, power, revenge and inadequacy. There emotions are expressed in raging tantrums, outbursts and sullen looks on one end of the spectrum and joyful laughter, shrieks of pleasure and bouncing excitement on the other. We encourage our kids to show and share their feelings and through that, they know what is pleasing to us. Our reaction to any of these expressed emotions is what cultivates our relationship with our children as well as set the boundaries for when they are older.
WATER POWER DOES NOT WORK
Our children know our triggers (crying in the shop, throwing objects at others, slamming the door) and use these to elicit the desired reaction from us. We often perceive our children’s behavior as a reflection of our parenting success and try to appease their negative outbursts by giving in to their whims, sometimes against our right judgement, to make us feel better. This is how our children learn there is persuasive power in the strong expression of emotion, particularly unhappiness. They use this power to get their way. I taught my children at an early age that water power does not work. Crying to get my attention has never been an option.
I’M HAPPY, YOU’RE HAPPY
Pre-teens are driven by the desire to make their parents happy. They seek constant recognition and validation. Their emotional barometer fluctuates between ecstatic and contentment as they thrive at keeping the peace. Our role is to encourage the expression of true emotions. Knowing that they are loved even if they have not made the first team or achieved the highest grade in class is what encourages the pre-teen to show their true emotions. This reassuring will help us when the adolescent hormones kick in. Now we can remind them that we are happy when they are happy and making the right choices is what keeps us happy. YET Parenting is about learning to interpret your child’s emotions and setting the tone for open honest conversations that fosters a happy environment.
WHERE DO WE STAND?
Knowing yourself and understanding your parenting style is of utmost importance in the YET Parenting journey. If you are sensitive to approval, then your teenager will express LOVE through appreciation, and affection. If you are sensitive to rejection, then your teenager, will express ANGER (loudly or quietly), through acting offended, injured. If you are sensitive to inadequacy, then your teenager will express CRITICISM through attacking your character, your ability to be a caring parent or your competence. We must not only hold firm in the face of these emotional manipulation but hold our teens to account for their behaviour
The roller coaster ride of emotions in young children and teenagers is what helps them in building character and developing their own personality. Our reaction to it is what helps in building or breaking their confidence. It is proven that your child’s emotional disposition is closely linked to your own.
Alexandra Murphy posted the following in an article on the Developmental Psychology at Vanderbilt site titled: Parental Influence on the Emotional Development of Children:-
“Parenting decisions affect how children turn out physically, socially, and emotionally, but that is not to say parents should be obsessed with following certain steps to have a perfectly well-adjusted child. We accept that there is no perfect formula for parents to model behavior or speak to children in certain ways to make them have a perfect emotional development experience, and that places a limit on our exploration of this subject. Parents can help their children develop into emotionally stable people by giving them a supportive environment, positive feedback, role models of healthy behavior and interactions, and someone to talk to about their emotional reactions to their experiences.”
Happy parenting!
Dr O
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