Open Effective Communication

Open Effective Communication

 

The power of bottom-up

The first key element in the Yet Parenting tool kit is “open effective communication”. Top-down approaches to parenting are popular while the bottom up influence is often overlooked. Open Effective Communication with children is a key factor since it positively influences the quality of relationships within the family. The second is the “how to” of positive communication. 

 

The quality of the communication process is important. Positive communication with your child requires your presence in body, mind and spirit. Children from a young age are well attuned to our level of engagement. Be mindful of how your child perceives your level of interest. Your cue is when your child says: “you are not looking at me”.  Show interest with: a gentle touch, hug, connecting glances, hand gestures and encouraging sounds during communication. It leads to positive responses by affirming our engagement, even in what seems trivial matters. Try to be mindful of the fact that a crisis however small is still a crisis to your child.

 

To small people small things can be big things

 

We need to remind ourselves to really listen. Get rid of the blue screen distractions: television, phone and iPad when listening to your child. Setting time aside for your child to have your full attention will be beneficial in future when you require their audience. You behaviour is what they will ultimately mirror. You cue is when they ask: “Have you hear what I said?”

 

So, open and positive effective communication reinforce family relationships. The quality of that communication is important. Next, let’s look at the quantity of information when communication with children. How does one decide what to share and when? Open and effective communication is fostered by responding at your child’s level. Work on a need to know basis and allow them to ask the questions as they grow. Oversharing can lead to confusion and uncertainty. Social media does enough of that. Using words and examples that they can relate to is helpful. Your cue is when they say: “You are not making any sense” or “I don’t get it.”

 

The greatest challenge to effective communication is when we have to do it under high emotional strain and during conflict.

 

Dealing with conflict:

Conflict appears the instant your child is able to reason. They want to know why, how and what is in it for them. This is when our creative flair has to come into play. Express your reasoning with the purpose of their buy in. Regardless of how frustrated you may be remain polite. Expressing your anger is counterproductive since they may dance to your tune because they are frightened NOT convinced. Alternatively, they may launch into a tantrum to get your attention. Children are well adapt to defusing our anger from an early age and ultimately your child wants to please you. Stay focused on the cause of the conflict and deal with only that situation. Do not be distracted or reach for past issues that can exacerbate the situation. Bargain and use “I” messages. Your goal is to negotiate a solution. A conflict ideally should end with your forgiveness. Make that your goal. Your cue is when they ask: “Are we ok?”

 

What to look out for:

Avoid using sarcasm. As adults, we can read between the lines whereas kids take everything literary. Negative communication is habitual with the potential risk of being an over critical parent. Yet Parenting is moving away from being over critical toward being realistically optimistic.  Focusing on what really matters now. Dwelling on the past takes away the possibility of yet!

Tune into where your child is at. Try to understand what IS happening with their relationships beyond you. Whether you are engaging in conflict or helping you child navigate their own challenges try to talk them through the conflict instead of simply telling them how to solve the problem. In this way you are constructing a foundation of resources that they can apply in future. One of the tools of Yet Parenting is “focusing on the next” How to deal with a similar situation in future? Allow them to work through it with your guidance. Your cue is: “I am ready to face tomorrow”.

 

Remember we are not there yet!

Happy Parenting.