POSITIVE PARENTING Exploring Strategies for Positive Engagement

 It is proven that positive parenting lessons parental control. It fosters thoughtful response to our children’s daily interaction with significant others. We strengthen relationships within the family and allow our children to grow in independence if we view their behaviour as it is and not as a reflection on us. Our kids act out and make mistakes. Our role is to allow them to learn from these mistakes and to guide them in understanding the consequences of the behaviour. 

We each have our own parenting style, which is often influenced by how we were raised. Our parenting either reflects the way that we were raised or it is in total contrast from that of our parents. How we parent reflects our own identity and understanding of self. Positive parenting encourages us to focuses on the uniqueness of our children. Their personalities and their way of thinking and doing.

Self-reflection is the heart of positive parent-child relationships. It helps us to understand why our children behave the way they do as well as our role in why they behave in that way.

It is helpful to consider these four areas when we examine our relationship with our children:-  

Four goals of children’s’ misbehaviour	The three most common parenting styles
Attention	Giving orders
Power	Giving in
Revenge	Giving choices
Display of inadequacy
Common parenting mistakes	Four ingredients of long relationships
Ignore the child’s personality	Showing respect
Not sweating the hard stuff	Having fun
Not allowing them to grow up	Giving encouragement
Being inconsistent and sending mixed messages	Showing love
Having unrealistic expectations

Our reaction to our children’s behaviour determines how they view themselves and how they react to praise or criticism. Being positive calls for complete optimism even in the most trying circumstances.

Positive engagement with your child helps to foster a relationship of mutual respect and forms an integral part of positive parenting. Renee Jain, Chief Storyteller at GoZen! Anxiety Relief for Kids* gives a few ideas of common reactions to children’s anger and tips on how to respond positively:

             

Negative responses	Positive responses
Stop throwing things!	When you throw your toys, I think you don't like playing with them. Is that what’s going on?
Big kids don't do this!	Big kids and even grownups sometimes have big feelings. It’s OK, these feeling will pass.
Don't be angry!	I get angry too sometimes. Let's try our warrior cry to get those angry feelings in check.
You're being so difficult!	This is a tough one, huh? We're going to figure this out together.
Eat your food or you will go to bed hungry!	What can we do to make this food yummy?
Your room is disgusting! You are grounded unless this gets clean.	How about we just start cleaning this itty bitty corner of your room? I’ll give you a hand.
We. Are. LEAVING!	What do you need to do to be ready to leave?
Stop whining!	How about a quick “do over” in your normal voice?
Stop complaining!	Is that ___ too hard right now? Let's take a break and come back to it in 17 minutes.
Stop getting frustrated!	I hear you. Can you come up with a solution?
Go to your room!	I'm going to stay right here by you until you're ready for a hug.
You are embarrassing me!	Let's go somewhere private so we can sort this out.
I can't deal with you right now!	I’m starting to get frustrated, and I’m going to be right here calming down. Instead of: Stop saying “No!”
I hear you saying "No."	I understand you do not want this. Let's figure out what we can do differently.

Staying calm, responding positively, allowing our children to bear the consequences for their behaviour and validating their attempts to do good are all aspects of positive parenting.

We grow and learn as our children grow and learn and in the growing and learning, we need to remind ourselves that are children are yet to become the best beings they can be.

Enjoy parenting!

*https://www.udemy.com/user/ren2/

BEING RESILIENT IN THE FACE OF ADVERSITY

Encouraging and supporting your child through manageable threats (dissing, bullying) helps in building coping mechanisms that is critical for the development of resilience. We need to remind ourselves that NOT ALL STRESS is harmful. 

There are numerous opportunities in every child’s life to experience MANAGEABLE STRESS—and with the help of supportive adults, this “positive stress” can be growth-promoting. 

We know that over time, we become better at coping with life’s hardships, both physically and mentally. We should share some of our stories with our children as evidence that we live in hope. When our kids know and understand that they have to forge forward even if the situations looks dire, they get to understand that hardships are part of the growing up. 

We need to remind ourselves that the only time to step in is when our children experience significant adversity. Open communication with all parties will help you to understand you child's struggle. 

Research has identified a common set of factors that predispose children to positive outcomes in the face of significant adversity. Individuals who demonstrate resilience in response to one form of adversity may not necessarily do so in response to another. Yet when these positive influences are operating effectively, they “stack the scale” with positive weight and optimise resilience across multiple contexts. 

These counterbalancing factors include

Supportive adult-child relationships;

Building a sense of self-efficacy and perceived control;

Mobilising sources of faith, hope, and cultural traditions.

Try some of these phrases when assisting you child in tackling problems:

POSITIVE PARENTING

Exploring Strategies for Positive Engagement

It is proven that positive parenting lessens parental control. It fosters thoughtful response to our children’s daily interaction with significant others. We strengthen relationships within the family and allow our children to grow in independence if we view their behaviour as it is and not as a reflection on us. Our kids act out and make mistakes. Our role is to allow them to learn from these mistakes and to guide them in understanding the consequences of the behaviour. 

We each have our own parenting style, which is often influenced by how we were raised. Our parenting either reflect the way that we were raised or it is in total contrast from that of our parents. How we parent reflects our own identity and understanding of self. Positive parenting encourages us to focuses on the uniqueness of our children. Their personalities and their way of thinking and doing.

Self-reflection is the heart of positive parent-child relationships. It helps us to understand why our children behave the way they do as well as our role in why they behave in that way.

It is helpful to consider these four areas when we examine our relationship with our children:- 

Four goals of children’s’ misbehaviour	The three most common parenting styles
Attention	Giving orders
Power	Giving in
Revenge	Giving choices
Display of inadequacy
Common parenting mistakes	Four ingredients of long relationships
Ignore the child’s personality	Showing respect
Not sweating the hard stuff	Having fun
Not allowing them to grow up	Giving encouragement
Being inconsistent and sending mixed messages	Showing love
Having unrealistic expectations

Our reaction to our children’s behaviour determines how they view themselves and  how they react to praise or criticism. Being positive calls for complete optimism even in the most trying circumstances.

Positive engagement with your child helps fostering a relationship of mutual respect and forms an integral part of positive parenting. Renee Jain, Chief Storyteller at GoZen! Anxiety Relief for Kids*, gives a few ideas of common reactions to children’s anger and tips on how to respond positively:

            

Negative responses	Positive responses
Stop throwing things!	When you throw your toys, I think you don't like playing with them. Is that what’s going on?
Big kids don't do this!	Big kids and even grownups sometimes have big feelings. It’s OK, these feeling will pass.
Don't be angry!	I get angry too sometimes. Let's try our warrior cry to get those angry feelings in check.
You're being so difficult!	This is a tough one, huh? We're going to figure this out together.
Eat your food or you will go to bed hungry!	What can we do to make this food yummy?
Your room is disgusting! You are grounded unless this gets clean.	How about we just start cleaning this itty bitty corner of your room? I’ll give you a hand.
We. Are. LEAVING!	What do you need to do to be ready to leave?
Stop whining!	How about a quick “do over” in your normal voice?
Stop complaining!	Is that ___ too hard right now? Let's take a break and come back to it in 17 minutes.
Stop getting frustrated!	I hear you. Can you come up with a solution?
Go to your room!	I'm going to stay right here by you until you're ready for a hug.
You are embarrassing me!	Let's go somewhere private so we can sort this out.
I can't deal with you right now!	I’m starting to get frustrated, and I’m going to be right here calming down. Instead of: Stop saying “No!”
I hear you saying "No."	I understand you do not want this. Let's figure out what we can do differently.

Staying calm, responding positively, allowing our children to bear the consequences for their behaviour and validating their attempts to do good are all aspects of positive parenting.

We grow and learn as our children grow and learn and in the growing and learning we need to remind ourselves that are children are yet to become the best beings they can be.

Enjoy parenting!

*https://www.udemy.com/user/ren2/

New Year, New Class, New Friends

Managing Change

PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR CHANGE

Children like routine. 

They want things to be predictable and flourish on knowing what happens when. 

Every year they are faced with change by moving from one grade to another, one teacher to another and often faces the unavoidable experience of changing friendships.

All these changes may lead to a sense of loss and separation anxiety.

CHANGE AFFECTING BEHAVIOUR

In his book, Why zebras don’t get ulcers, Robert M. Sapolsky describes the effects of stress on

people.  Sapolsky the reaction of zebras to stress as a  FIGHT, FLIGHT or FREEZE response. 

Because we encourage our children to toughen up and deal with the stress relating to change without providing the coping mechanisms to guide their thinking and behaviour, they tend to find their own by spending excessive time in front to the television (TV Numbing), loading up on feel good foods (Carbohydrates and Sugar). Their experience of loss impacts their way of thinking, doing and feeling causing emotional and physical behavioural changes such as feelings of emptiness, heightened cynicism, feelings of unforgiving and a need to prove themselves to you and their significant others (siblings, friends, teachers). 

THINGS TO LOOK OUT FOR WHEN CHANGE HAPPENS

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS     

Muscle tension Idiopathic aches and pains. Gastrointestinal problems – nausea, vomiting, diarrhea. Headaches. Changes in appetite and sleep patterns. Heart palpitations. Fatigue, lack of energy. 

BEHAVIORAL SYMPTOMS: 

Tearfulness

Engaging in self-destructive behaviours

Withdrawing from friends and previously-enjoyed activities

Increasing amounts of time spent alone

Increased absences from school

Fighting 

Acting out

COGNITIVE SYMPTOMS:

Inability to focus on particular tasks

Overwhelmed by demands of school or work

PSYCHOSOCIAL SYMPTOMS: 

Depressed mood, Anxiety

Stress, feeling hopeless, Mood swings, Nervousness, Aggressive outbursts, Worrying, Jitteriness, Fear of separation from important figures in child’s life

BUILDING RESILIENCE

Children learn how to cope with change by developing resilience. This is one of the most important qualities you can teach your child (along with compassion).

HOW DO THEY LEARN IT?  

By watching us. Studies have shown that children as young as two years old copy the coping, stress management and thinking styles of the adults around them. And they can sense if parents are anxious or worried and will tend to mimic that.

Andrew Fuller, consultant psychologist for The Resilience Foundation and author of Tricky Kids, says resilient parents raise resilient kids. Reinforcing “it starts at home”. He says it’s a handy skill for parents to learn to hold their own anxieties in check.

Her describes resilience as “the happy knack of being able to bungee jump through the pitfalls of life”.

TOP 5 PRACTICAL COPING SKILLS FOR PARENTS WHO WANT TO HELP THEIR CHILDREN MANAGE CHANGE:

1.    Be prepared to answer their myriad of questions – and create an environment in which they              feel safe about asking you anything about the changes they’re facing. 

2.   Asking questions helps them process change and the answers they receive from the people 

      they trust most – that is mom and dad – will help them transition.

3.   Stick to routines as much as possible – try not to change everything at once. If you have                     routines in place like bedtime rituals, the books you read even the TV shows you all watch, try           to keep those in place where possible.

4.  Let them grieve – when any of us move, change schools, or make any kind of change in life, we        leave something behind. Let your littlies talk about what they miss and don’t try to point out all      of the wonderful things about their new school, bedroom or whatever – let them appropriately       mourn what they have lost.

5.  Be prepared to weather the change – many kids don’t adapt immediately and there may be              tears and tantrums, followed by major parental guilt. Expect that it can take time for children to      adjust.

( Fiona Baker: Kidspot)

ACTIVE CITIZENSHIP

ACTIVE CITIZENSHIP

There are various community projects that call for the involvement of teens and youths in promoting active involvement in charitable works. One such organisation that caught my attention is the Johannesburg Mini and Junior Council. Teens and youths are elected as members through their schools. They meet regularly and plan fundraisers and charitable events for non-profit organisations. I am encouraged by the commitment of these young people through their selfless acts of kindness.

As adults we are aware of our responsibility towards active citizenship. We participate and contribute towards corporate and social projects at our places of work, at our place of worship and in our communities.   

As families we can do the same by committing ourselves to becoming more actively involved through our support for community organisations who care for the marginalised and less fortunate. I know of some families who initiate their own outreach projects. They inspire others to join their initiatives by spreading the word. Talking about their experiences is enough to spark the interest of their friends and family. In this way they grow support for their initiatives and increase their drive for change.

Yet parenting explores the possible ways in which we can transform the lives of our children by affirming their ability to make a positive change in the lives of those less fortunate. Growing and learning through active engagement creates a sense of purpose. Active citizenship is about showing up for community life. Committing to projects that aims to promote the greater good. We should encourage our kids to look for ways to help and show up when the call for help is made at school, at church or through the community paper.  

Active citizenship is about reaching out and supporting others beyond our own circle of friends and family.

Inspiration can be found in Beyoncé’s performance of I WAS HERE at the United Nations World Humanitarian Day in 2012: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i41qWJ6QjPI

Let us encourage our kids to be the change they want to see in the world (Ghandi)

CREATING FAMILY CULTURE

Memories of my childhood is filled with happy moments. These moments are all marked by family gatherings and repeated events, year after year, simple routines and practices. Only much later I realised that our family had a unique way of living. This has now become our family culture, which is passed on from one generation to the next. These are the things refer to when say to our children: “When I was your age we always did…now I would like to share it with you.”

These repeated actions is what forms the foundation of our children’s’ experience of family life.  The way we speak to each other, deal with conflict and set boundaries all contribute to the state of our family’s healthy living. Factors that shape our family culture.

Family culture is the unique way in which we help our children to engage with the world and be true to their family values. A strong and positive family culture is based on trust, mutual respect and understanding. This is the moment when your child respond to negative influences with: “I don’t think my parents would like it if I do this.” 

A simple example is the way in which we interact with our children’s friends. Having and open house for friends skills our children in sharing our home with others. There are set expectations when having guests over and how we expect them to behave. This is mirrored by us when we have family over, or have our friends over. We set the example that becomes our culture. All these are negotiated through repetition. 

Family culture is about creating a connected union between us, our children and our extended family. I like the idea of celebrating family successes by inviting family over for a simple meal.  The children know that they need to assist with the planning and preparations as this forms part of the celebration and our family culture.

Family culture is the accepted norms and values that the family upholds. These are the simple yet important things that we hold dear and want to pass on to our children. Some of these values can be examined by discussing the following considerations as a family:

• How we expect the children to address adults regardless of their social standing or economic status.
• How we view material things. Are we appreciating the small inexpensive gifts as much as the expensive ones?
• How we view education and the importance of achieving our best.
• How we deal with family crises.

Our family is our brand and this brand is recognised by our family’s culture. Yet Parenting speaks to that constant pursuit to uphold strong traditions and creating a sense of belonging for our children.

Let’s continue to create memories with our children that will become part of their being and family culture.

Happy parenting!

 

BEING UNIQUE IN A TEAM

Our children are often confronted with the challenge to conform to the rules of a group or run the risk of being isolated. Being unique can be viewed as uncool by their peers.  They can easily become victims of social outcasts for wanting to do what they know best, which is being themselves. Parents should be the first to highlight the deference between individual and group identity. Individual identity is not in opposition to group identity, but rather the ability to be yourself within the group.  

Remind your child that being unique does not mean that you have to swim upstream or go against the rules.  What it does mean is that you do the right thing in your own unique way.

Schools encourage collaborative learning and teamwork which emphasise the important value of being part of a team, sharing the same values and working towards the same goal. Emphasis is placed on working as a team to achieve the best results.

Encouraging our children to be part of a school production, choir, and team sport or outreach group is helpful in developing your child’s ability to recognize their own role in making a meaningful contribution to the world around them. A successful play is characterised by the uniqueness of the different roles of the characters, who add to the success of the overall performance.

We play an important role in motivating our children to be true to their own abilities and talents. Most importantly we mirror confidence through our interaction with the world and set the example in the way we participate in various team related activities.

I am a firm believer that our children get  social cues by observing our behaviour. This places the responsibility on us to be aware of how we express our indifferences with the teams we belong to. It also highlights how we contribute to the success of the team’s success without compromising our own uniqueness.

Yet Parenting is a process of helping our children in discovering what they are best at and where they can add the most value through their own uniqueness. Encourage, support and motivate your child to develop a own identity by doing and explore new and exciting things about themselves as well as being part of a team.

Happy parenting!